Day 10

I had such a shit sleep last night just had so much going through my head my husband still not speaking to me so it was awfully quiet.

This morning I didn't feel too bad at 1st and then I ended up binging it was horrible I felt so sick and wanted to throw up but I didn't go there it is the 1st binge I have had in a few weeks I had it all under control but the way things are at the moment I just let it happen and gave in to the emotions. It is a real hard time at the moment but I will get through it I know I will it will just take some time.

I mnade the mistake of ringing Mum and talking to her today and it didn't end well she told me that it is all my fault that I am on anti-depresants in the 1st place becaue I had an affair and couldn't live with it well I guess it was only a matter of time before she would throw that one at me. Yes I did have an affair but I accepted it and payed for it at least I have a conscience and only did it once unlike my parents who did it on an ongoing basis.

I ended up hanging up on her I just didn't want to listen anymore but I was such a mess I couldn't stop crying she just upset me so much so I am not in any hurry to talk to her at the moment I need some space she doesn't understand and I told her so. Why can't she understand, why can't I accept that she never will understand and I can't talk to her about it.

Tony txt me to ask how I was today but I lost it with him and let him have it about how I was feeling and how he was making me feel and the tears came again but not for long.

I spent a lot of the day crafting and knitting it was really good to keep my mind off thing and for a little while I was feeling happy and even now I am not worried if Tony doesn't talk to me I will do what I need to to keep me in a happy place I am not going to let this beat me and I might hurt a lot during this process but I have to be strong about it and keep fighting and sometimes I have to go with it instead of fighting against it.