Day18

Another trip up to the hospital for 3 1/2hrs but Ash is fine now which is good cause I have been starting to stress out about it and I really don't need any stress right now.

I am feeling physically exhausted at the moment and did lose it with the kids before but Mel walked in and started having a go at me which I thought was so uncalled for so I did get very angry.

I am so pleased it's the weekend so Tony can deal with the kids but we also have the open homes which I am not looking forward too but at least it is only 2 now instead of 3.

Day 17

I am exhausted it has been a very long day. Ash was sick all night and then this morning was in a lot of pain so we went to the dr and she thought it was an appendicitis so we had to go up to the hospital and we were up there for 5hrs and then got sent home she is still feeling yuck but resting.

I think I coped quite well with all of this I didn't let it stress me out or anything.

I don't really have much to write I am just to tired

Day 16

Omg the dream I had last night was so out there something totally different to what I normally and I have had some real out there dreams. I dreamt that I was sentanced to death and had to have an injection to kill me and I went through heaps leading up to my life ending I can't explain it all but basically once I was dead I came back to Tony which was unexpected but I was so pleased to be back with him. Then the strange part is when people saw me their reactions were weird as if they didn't care and my mum was one of the people that just dropped my kids of and left. I have no idea what was going on or what it means.

When I did wake up I had a headache and I am feeling really stiff and tired today my body just doesn't want to work which sux cause I have been feeling so good lately but it's all good I just have to take oneday at a time and it's a step forward not backwards positive thinking is all good and if it means I have a quiet day then thats what I will do no pressure to do anything until I start to feel better.

UPDATE

Still feeling yuck and I did emotional eat today it wasn't nice but with the way I was feeling it just happened.

To make my day worse the real estate agent as arranged 3 open homes for the weekend and I am pissed because he said 1 and now it makes it all real people will be coming into my home and invading my space and I am not comfortable with it but what can I do nothing I just have to accept it and move on from it. This is just what has to happen and I have to stop letting it get to me all the time.

Day 15

I am now officially into the 2nd week of my 75mg meds and so far so good other than the wig out last week this week I am doing much better and feel a lot more calmer even when the kids are fighting which is a good thing too.

I had a nice quiet day at home today with my knitting needles and then this arvo I did some scrapbooking.

I txt Tony this morning and apologiesed about going mental at him last week and it was quite a hard thing to do accept that I was in the wrong and to apologies for it. He txt me back and said Thanks and that he could be more supportive so that was nice.

I did some excercise this morning the 1st time in ages I managed a whole 8mins before wanting to die lol but a little bit at a time day by day and we will see how it goes I did enjoy it.

Day 14

Well it has been two weeks since I started this Blog wow time goes so fast.

I has a good session today and learnt a few new things that I am coming to grips with about my life and childhood and it is all starting to make sense about why some things are happening now and what I can do with it.

I have had a really good day today and feel good about everything at the moment.

I had a very productive day I did some of my knitting and then spent the arvo crafting as well as tonight and made some awesome things.

Mel asked me to make a card for a little girl on her paper run so I made that plus a wall chart for her with Tinkerbell on it.

I don't feel like I have too much to say tonight because I am feeling good I am happy still taking things one day at a time.

Day13

Happy Mother's Day !!!!!

I woke up to the smell of blueberry pancakes with maple syrup, banana and cream yum Mel had cooked breakfast for us all.

I am feeling good at the moment it feels good. I did get a bit pissed with Tony today he really frustrates me at time. I finished my blanket last night so I need more wool because I find it very therapudic but he said no and I got angry with him but in the end I got my wool but I shouldn't have had to fight for it.

I am trying to keep myself busy so that going off my meds will be easier and knitting helps but he just doesn't understand that because he isn't going through it in the same way I am.

I had strange dreams again it involve T for some of it and the CS and then the other one was about my mum and we were arguing again over broken promises it is weird the dreams that I am having they are about people I know at the moment instead of strangers who knows what they mean but sometimes I wish I did but maybe it is just my sub conscience working overtime.

I have councilling tomorrow so I am looking forward to that to get a few things out but I am feeling positive about my eating at the moment the binge instinct is less and less and I feel so good about that.

Day 12

I am happy and it feels good to be able to say that :)

I had a pretty intense dream this morning and it involved a lot of people I know and don't know and my grandfather who has passed away it was weird but I couldn't wake up from it it was so hard but I was pleased once I was awake and realised it was a dream.

I had a good day today and did some crafting and tonight I finished my blanket. We also watched some dvd's today and just had a lazy day.

I weighed this morning and lost 600g this week and I am thrilled I am sending my diary to J every night which does help me a lot I like being accountable to someone other than myself.

I have been thinking a bit about my triggers and what they could be and I think one of them is my mother and as horrible as it sounds I haven't spoken to her in 2 days since our big fight and I have had two good days. I feel bad about that but you know sometimes you just need your mum but when I turn to mine it always ends up being a negative thing so I have to do what is best for me and what is healthy for me. I can't talk to my mother about what I am going through because she just doesn't get it but that is just her.

Day 11

It's been an interesting day today I slept like crap and was awke from 5.30am with all sorts going through my head I hate it when that happens.

I got a txt at 8.40am from my SIL and she wanted me to go for a drink with her and some of her friends and at first I wasn't sure cause I didn't know how many were going but I decided I needed to go to get out of the house and when I got there I saw S and T and was a little anxious but it was all good in the end and we had a nice morning out.

I got home at lunchtime I spent most of my arvo knitting which was relaxing and I did have a little nana nap and then more knitting.

I didn't have any lunch until about 2.30pm I just wasn't hungry I have gone from one extreme to the other but it's all worth the end result is what counts.

Mood wise I have felt pretty good today better than the last couple of days no tears today just a little frustration when I tangled all my wool up but I have Tony sorting that out for me.

Tony is talking again but I have decided that I have to come first and it doesn't matter what others do I have to do what is right for me and what is best for me to get through this.

I am starting to feel a little more positive about things that I am doing regarding going off the meds and I have one more week on 75mg and then I will be missing days out so that will be the next challenge but I can't worry about it now I just have to take it one day at a time.

Day 10

I had such a shit sleep last night just had so much going through my head my husband still not speaking to me so it was awfully quiet.

This morning I didn't feel too bad at 1st and then I ended up binging it was horrible I felt so sick and wanted to throw up but I didn't go there it is the 1st binge I have had in a few weeks I had it all under control but the way things are at the moment I just let it happen and gave in to the emotions. It is a real hard time at the moment but I will get through it I know I will it will just take some time.

I mnade the mistake of ringing Mum and talking to her today and it didn't end well she told me that it is all my fault that I am on anti-depresants in the 1st place becaue I had an affair and couldn't live with it well I guess it was only a matter of time before she would throw that one at me. Yes I did have an affair but I accepted it and payed for it at least I have a conscience and only did it once unlike my parents who did it on an ongoing basis.

I ended up hanging up on her I just didn't want to listen anymore but I was such a mess I couldn't stop crying she just upset me so much so I am not in any hurry to talk to her at the moment I need some space she doesn't understand and I told her so. Why can't she understand, why can't I accept that she never will understand and I can't talk to her about it.

Tony txt me to ask how I was today but I lost it with him and let him have it about how I was feeling and how he was making me feel and the tears came again but not for long.

I spent a lot of the day crafting and knitting it was really good to keep my mind off thing and for a little while I was feeling happy and even now I am not worried if Tony doesn't talk to me I will do what I need to to keep me in a happy place I am not going to let this beat me and I might hurt a lot during this process but I have to be strong about it and keep fighting and sometimes I have to go with it instead of fighting against it.

Day 9

I want to bang my head against a brick wall I am losing the plot now big time. This morning I slept in till 11am and then was having a good day up until Ash couldn't find a shirt and I lost it I rang Tony and it all went down hill from there I was screaming and yelling and couldn't stop crying and just hated everything and everyone at that time.

At this moment my eyes are sore and I just want to be all alone I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone I just want to shut myself away from the world. The reason I am writing this now is because I can write down what I am feeling as I feel it.

I hate this I hate what is happening to me and I hate that my family doesn't understand and most of all I that Tony doesn't care and isn't there for me. I want him to be a supportive husband but he's not he doesn't seem to care he would rather just brush it under the carpet. I know he would hate me writing this but this blog is about me and my feelings and I have to write what I feel and this is how I feel.

The easiest thing for me to do would be stay on my meds and go back to the high dose but I don't want that I want to go off them and I have to take the good and the bad, the ups and downs, the highs and lows I just wish that I wasn't going through this alone because that is how I feel now so alone and scared very scared.

UPDATE

I am still feeling really angry right now it is such a shitty feeling and I wish it would just go away I hate feeling like this it is frustrating I hope I start to feel better soon cause I am over this.

I am thinking it might be time for an early night and just say goodnight to today and start a fresh tomorrow. I still feel so alone Tony isn't speaking to me so I guess I can't rely on him for any support cause he just isn't there :(

Day 8

My head is in a spin today. I had to get up early this morning because all the agents were coming through so Mel and I went out and had breakfast and a drive then I came home and fell asleep for an hour and a half which so isn't like me. I did get very frustrated this morning and wanted to pull my hair out the kids were fighting and it just wasn't helping.

We went to the surgeon and Mel is back to school tomorrow yay about time I need my space back she is crowding me a bit.

I had crazy dreams again last night which is why I think I am so tired all the time but I know I am doing the right thing going off the meds and I will just stick with it.

I am pulling one of my blankets apart so I can start knitting it back together without holes in it this time lol.

My good friend Julie has her baby last night so that is something really exciting that has happened and it means I have some things to work on for Kate and her brother Will I love making them things maybe I go a little over board but it makes me really happy and that is am important thing for me.

I have been looking at rentals and found a couple that I like and close to school but Tony doesn't want to move until we have to but I am so scared that we won't find a house close enough I like the kids getting to school on their own instead of me taking them and they like the independence but sometimes I feel like I don't have a say in it that Tony makes all the decisions and want I want doesn't matter :(

Foodwise since going off my meds I am not hungry and certainly not binging anynow so I guess that is a bonus but also a downside cause you are supposed to ate to be healthy I cant win either way :(

I was talking to mum before cause I was annoyed with the real estate agent saying he would turn our alarm on after everyone left and he didn't and I started getting all emotional I know it's not a big thing but for me now it was just another thing to make me cry I hope it stops soon.

It has been a better day today than the last couple so that is positive

Day 7

Well today lets see I had very vivid dreams again last night so much so that when I woke up this morning I felt like I didn't sleep at all so within an hour I was asleep again and woke up about 11.30am

Then the real estate agents turned up to put the lock box on and then inform me that tomorrow about 60+ agents are coming through the house at 8.30 -11am tomorrow which is just what I don't need and then he said to go out it would be easier so just another thing to worry about.

I then went out with 2 kids as J was home sick too so that I could pay the dr and get a script for some pills to help me through the hard times which I am sure there will be a lot of those but I will be fighting all the way no tears so far which is wonderful. I am trying to stay as positive as I can about everything and I want to get thru this with very little battle scares.

Day 5 & 6

Yesterday was nothing special just spent the day at home crafting and then we were going out last night but unfortunately J started vomitting so the plans changed and we got BK for dinner and watched dvds.

Today I woke up at 10.30am after a night of crazy dreams of zombies, Tony moving, sewing going wrong very full on so I woke up very tired lol and I am feeling very light headed and dizzy I have had lunch but I'm not feeling any better.

I went down on my meds yesterday and I don't know if this is a side effect or what but I am not liking it at all but I will just push through I want off my meds it is so important to me to be med free. I want to prove to myself that I am good now and I am strong and in control of everything.

This morning I sewed the kids uniforms so that is one less thing to do so I will take it easy for the rest of the day and hopefully I am feeling better.

The Wii is all set up so I will do my 1st workout tomorrow and get back into a good routine.

Ok after doing some research I have found out that the way I am feeling is due to withdrawl from my meds and yes it has hit very quickly it can start a couple of hours after lowering the dosage omg what have I done I should never have changed to this medication I have read that it is like going of heroin oh yay just what I need. The sooner I am off these the better.